


Find your past

by calliope_cp



Series: Coming to terms [2]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan, The Trials of Apollo - Rick Riordan
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Coming to terms with family, Concentration Camps, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Gay Characters, Guilt, Homophobia, Learning about your past, Love, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Original Character(s), Past Lives, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychology, Remorse, Revenge, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Survivor Guilt, What happened to Nico's family in World War II, Why did Nico and Bianca leave Italy, World War II
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-10
Updated: 2016-10-24
Packaged: 2018-07-22 19:26:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7451161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliope_cp/pseuds/calliope_cp
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nico di Angelo thought that he had reached a point in his life where he could, though with difficulties, finally establish with who he is. Unfortunately, his past finds a way to reach through to him and all the former insecurities and open questions arise anew. His father sends him and Will (who insisted on accompanying him) abroad to get answers. This is a story about finding a way to learn and understand his past – to accept himself in the present and be able to develop a future.</p><p>Warning: There is a lot of information and facts in this story. If you have no interest in psychology, history or World War II, please don't read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When the past catches up

**Author's Note:**

> Writing this feels quite important to me, I did some research towards many topics and really tried to make it as valid as possible. If there's anything wrong with the dates or facts, please let me know. Also, if you think it is super-boring, tell me. I'd like to develop as a writer ;-)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

**Nico’s POV**

Austin is beautiful in spring, Nico has to admit that. They visited before in winter – but now, in early May, it is warm and not too sunny and all around Lady Bird Lake, sun bathers and hikers enjoy their day. Nico and Will decide to visit Zilker Park and the Umlauf Sculpture Garden that very day – one of their first trips outside since their stay in Austin. Nico developed a nasty flu the moment they had arrived and Will as well as his mom took care of him like their life depended on it (though Will could not suppress several “I told you so” ’s for his boyfriend wouldn’t listen to his warnings that May was not the month to _not_ wear a jacket anymore). They are alone with Naomi, because she has a show this weekend and Will’s stepdad went to a short holiday with his little sister, visiting her grand-parents (they would have come with them if not for the flu).

When they reach a nearby ice cream booth, they take their chance nevertheless. It is alright, thought Nico complains that nothing could ever come close to Italian _gelato_. Nearby, a group of black haired people with olive skin watches them after that comment and a girl around their age says “That’s what I always say but my friends will never listen...”

She smiles at Nico warmly. “You’re Italian?”

“Yeah, but I’ve been living in the states, like, forever.” He shares a knowing glance with Will.

“Oh, so have we. My family came here around World War II, you know. My grandfather, _nonno_ Federico here, he left Venice in the 1940s as a child.” She pointed towards the little man very close to them with kind wrinkled face and messy white hair. The old man raised his head to greet them. The moment he sees the son of Hades, all the olive color leaves his skin and his eyes are wide and unbelieving. He rises and reaches for him.

“Nico? Nico di Angelo? _Per Dio, questo è impossibile. No, no…_ ”, he whispers, so his family can’t hear. It is hard to tell who looks more shocked – the boy or the old man. Nico tries to regain his composure. “You must mistake me for someone, sir. I need to leave now _.  Arrivederci_!” He reaches for Will’s hand and wants to drag him into the next shadow but the old man is faster than he anticipated. He grasps the boy’s other hand firmly so he can’t leave. Nico moans at the touch – he feels that Federico is close to dying. He has only days left…and he probably knows it.

He begs for them to stay. After all these years in the states, the accent still has not left his English entirely, so his raspy voice still has a certain foreign beauty, even though his age. “Please, if you are indeed Nico, I need to talk to you. I do not care how you are still so young and why you are here but please, _please_ – I will never die in peace if I cannot share this. It is _destino_ that we meet now. Now that I… _Per favore, Nico, lo sai chi sono?_ ” His voice sounds teary and desperate and Nico simply can’t deny a dying man his wish, especially when he is right. They indeed knew each other, in another time, in another life. His looks at Will and whispers “We need to find a place more private than this. Is there anything close?”

They find a little café with a secluded corner. Federico told his family that the boy reminds him of someone from the past and he wants to share some stories about modern Italy or whatever and they accepted this without question like a family that is used to the whims of their oldest member. As soon as the coffee is served, Federico starts talking. They decided to speak English so Will won’t be excluded (Nico figures he might need him as an anchor soon enough).

The old man starts. “So, apart from what you said earlier – you do remember me, Nico?”

The son of Hades looks down. “Yes. Federico Moretti, your family lived across the street. You were neighbors to Pietro – I remember him most and that is not even much. He’s changed so much after Mussolini’s African campaign.”

Friderioco nods. “ _Si_ , he went through hell down there. Shelling Ethiopian civilians with mustard gas tore him apart. Some nights I would hear him cry and scream. He tried to numb the memories and the pain with liquor but it never worked long enough. He committed suicide shortly before we left for good. It was months after your mother left with you. What happened to her and Bianca? Are they still around and young, too?” He moves his head like he expects them to appear out of thin air.

Nico bites his lips. “They died in the states. Maria, shortly after we came here and Bianca…only…recently…in comparison. She – we…”

Federico touches his hand. “There is no need to explain anything. I don’t want to know it, Nico; neither the circumstances of your youth nor anything else. I need absolute faith in _Dio_ now and I have a feeling that, whatever you would tell me, could shatter it. I want to believe that you survived because of His divine will and that we met today because He wants me to confess and lift my burden so I can enter Heaven properly after I leave this world. But I am sorry for your loss nevertheless. You always feel the gap your loved ones left no matter how long it’s been.”, he sighs and Nico nods in silent agreement. He misses the question Will asks the _nonno_ , but catches his answer.

 “You see, Nico and I were childhood friends back in Venice. I would like to explain more about this but my memory of the exact dates is a bit dizzy. We were playing silly games of cards and we were fooling around at the canals. We would prank our neighbors and our families would sometimes go to the beaches together. It was a nice time until the _nazista_ took over everything…”

Nico interrupts him here. His own voice sounds tense and afraid, but he can’t restrain control so easily. “Federico…I remember only tiny bits and little pieces of my past. My memory was nearly erased completely by…circumstances. Please, tell me everything about my family and our surroundings that you remember. It would help me very much.”

The old man shifts his head to the side. “Good. I’ll try.” They don’t interrupt him once. While he talks, Nico sees the images, shudders and feels everything he describes and Federico seems to relive everything himself while he shares their story.

“The story starts when we were around maybe six or seven years old. That is when my family moved to the street where you lived. We did not meet you or your mother or sister first; your grandfather said you travelled to Croatia for holidays. But you came back soon after and we went to school together.

My mother was always a bit skeptical that your father was never around. But your grandparents said that he was travelling a lot and that he was an _Americano_ , who had met your mother on a diplomatic event. Because of the political situation they were only married informally – in the States and not in Italy. You were so well-educated and smart and talented and polite that everyone believed them. A _donnaccia_ could not have such wonderful children…and then, your uncles and aunts did treat her and you in every way like a true _signora_.  

Like I said before, you were good pupils and popular until the fascist regiment started executing their anti-Semitic policy. Your grand-parents and their family were good people: respected, hard-working and dignified. But your grand-father’s mother was Jewish – so he would count as a Jew and likewise your grandmother, your uncles and aunts, your mother and you children. People first did not care so much since he was not a performing Jew, but it got worse soon. I heard that some people tried to warn him but he would never listen. Some friends covered for him a long time, but eventually…

The day after your mother had left with you and Bianca, everyone could see how heart-broken he was. His youngest daughter, his _favorita_ , gone with her two _bambini_ ! We thought that the rest of the family would follow soon but that never happened. He explained that Maria was afraid for you two and that he understood and wanted only your best; but he also said that he thought it was an overreaction and that there was no danger. Time passed and we hoped that your grandfather maybe had been right about this. Then, one day, I heard my father telling my mother that the _forza pubblica_ would come for your family. Your _nonno_ Giulio, was a thorn in the authorities’ flesh. They wanted him gone as soon as possible – they just needed a little time so make up a decent accuse against him and his whole family.

It took only weeks until they were deported: Your _nonno_ and _nonna_ , your three aunts and their husband with their children and your two uncles with their whole family each.” He stops for a short time and seems to count something. “Imagine: 21 people deported from one family!”, he says to Will. “The grandparents and their five children with their whole family. Your aunt Giovanna and her husband were the only one without a child yet. They had just gotten married that very year…” He starts crying and looks Nico, who feels just numb and horror-struck, directly in the eyes. “I saw it.”, he whispers.

“I lurked around like I usually did when I could not sleep. Maybe I was planning a prank or maybe I wanted to visit my cousin, I don’t remember. The policemen came for them in the night. Everyone was there – even your aunt Alessia and her husband – what was his name – Raffaele had come for a visit with their three children. There was a nice celebration, probably an important birthday or anniversary or something. It was dark already when the van arrived. It was so fast.”, his starts sobbing and Nico can feel tears dwell in his eyes. “Suddenly the piano was quiet. The talking stopped. The women screamed. I heard furniture break and porcelains shatter. There were loud cries and splintering noises. The men were dragged outside first. I think because they fought the most. Your grandfather had to be carried, he was unconscious. Then came the women and children. The _bambini_ were mostly in their sleeping clothes…they, they just tore them out of bed and then…they were gone.”, he stammered and is lost a silent crying fit for nearly a minute.  

“I will never forget the look on their faces.”, Federico says eventually. “I should have done something – I should have alarmed someone – or fought for them – hid the _bambini_ at least! _Colpa mia!_ I was frozen in place like a statue and I was so frightened. I never even talked to anyone about it in my shame. The next morning, my parents simply told me that the whole di Angelo family was gone and I acted like I didn’t know, like I hadn’t seen…”

He takes a sobbing breath and continues. “We left the country months after that incident. I looked out for Maria and you and Bianca, but I never found you. So, when the war was over and several years had passed, I traveled back to find out what had happened. I could not rest until I knew. But their trails were lost in a Concentration Camp called _Risiera di San Sabba_ in _Trieste_. Whether they died there or were transported somewhere else – I never found out. But rumor says that they did not survive. None.”, he says numbly and wipes his eyes.

“I kept hoping that at least your _mamma_ and you two made it, so the family name would be carried on. But I never heard of another di Angelo in my time here and all my researches always guided me to a dead end.”, he sighs. “I had visited to the destroyed house once after they had left and found…”, He fumbles in his pockets and fetches and incredibly old looking leather wallet, which he hands to Nico. “I promised to _Dio_ that I would keep these until the end to never forget how cruel humans can be and I begged Him that, if He could forgive me, to allow me to pass them to their rightful owner.” It contains a signet ring and a slightly faded photograph showing 24 smiling people with mostly delicate features, olive skin and dark black hair.

“The ring has the family crest of the di Angelo family. It was well hidden behind the canvas painting my parents had once given them. The police had searched the house for treasury and stolen most of the other art but obviously they didn’t like this one. The picture lay on the floor.” He looks at Nico, who is crying in silence. Will’s hands are on his back but he doesn’t feel them. He doesn’t feel anything right now, just studies the picture and tries very hard not to vomit, not to summon skeletons and not to make the place freeze over. It consumes nearly all of his strength.

Federico rises from his seat and tells his goodbye before the boys can stop him. “I need to go back to my family now and say my goodbyes. I am weak and old and now that I fulfilled my task, I think my time on earth has come. I can feel it and I want to embrace death as unburdened and happy as I can. Thank you for listening to me and relieving my burden, Nico di Angelo.” He takes both of Nico’s cold hands into his warm ones in a heartfelt gesture. “I wish you well and I certainly hope that you will live the best of life you can have. I also want to apologize for the terrible past you had to relive through my story. May your find happiness.”

“May you find peace, Federico.”, Nico simply answers and it sounds like a blessing, even though his voice is throaty. The old man leaves them in silence.

 


	2. Processing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

**Will’s POV**

He does not eat for two days. Will tries everything to at least make him drink and sleep but it is not easy. After his tears dried out he just stares at the ceiling or the walls or the photograph. He does not speak much. Sometimes, mumbled words leave his mouth “Twenty-four people…one survives…all gone…own family…so, so sick…” The healer accepts this behavior without a question, he knows from experience that two days is the usual amount of time Nico needs to process if something really bothers him.

At day three, Will tells him off. “Alright, I’ve watched this long enough. Nico, I swear to all the gods, if you don’t eat today, I’m gonna force-feed you with whole-grain high-fiber granola until your stomach gets sick.” He kneels down to the black-haired boy and softly kisses his temple. “Please, please, please, I’m so worried about you. Talk to me, love. You don’t need to face this alone.”

His eyes look shattered, like all the color had been drained out into an abyss of loss. “What is there to talk about? My whole family was killed by my half-divine relatives. I’m the only one to survive – and I bet there were so much better, worthier people to get this chance among them! To…to even think of…I mean – their murderers are my brothers! Or, half-brothers – but still. I’m related to the most cruel, heartless and evil people from 20 th century and…”, he seems unable to voice his terror, so Will finished for him. “…and they nearly killed you, too.”

He takes his head in his hands and puts all his warmth in the following words. “Nico, I don’t know even a little bit about your family back then and I cannot assume what kind of people they were. But I just know that there is no one as worthy as you are to live, to be alive. Please don’t feel bad for existing – nothing of this is your fault! Those – those people were just, well, evil. They were horrendous persons that did horrendous stuff…”

“And _I_ share their parentage, Will.”, Nico practically sob-screams at him. “I have the same, well, not genes because gods don’t have genes, but I have the same _Ichor_ in my veins. What if, what if…if one day, I snap and become such a heartless and cruel thing as well?”

“Never! Nico, you are NOT heartless or cruel – you could never…”

“Think of Octavian! Think of Bryce Lawrence!” He could still hear his own words from back then ringing through his mind. _‘You’re already dead. You’re a ghost with no tongue, no memory. You won’t be sharing any secrets.’_ “Think of all the battles and combats I’ve been fighting in! The creepy things I’ve done! The evil lives within…” The Italian lift his hands into his hair and nearly pulls out several strains before the blonde stops him just in time. He holds his wrists very still with a firm grip and forces him to look into his eyes.

“Listen to me now, Nico. You. Are. Not. Evil. You are fierce, strong and brave. Sometimes you are extreme and sometimes you do quite powerful things that seem a bit scary when you see that kind of stuff for the first time. And yes, you are a child of darkness and death. But there is _so_ much more to you, Nico. Your godly side doesn’t define you. You define yourself.”

Before his speech is interrupted again by self-sabotage and doubts, Will goes on. “I am related to Nero. And to Louis XIV and some other really strange guys. Some of my relatives are drug-addicted pedophiles, as far as I know! Look at Percy’s family…horses and Cyclops and whatever. My point is, our godly parents usually cover a huge amount of human (and partly non-human) characteristics and qualities – good and bad ones – and their legacies inherit different aspects of them.

And, well, your father obviously has a dark and cruel side. I guess we  _all_ have a dark and cruel side. But he can also be kind and good and just and fair – if he weren’t, you wouldn’t be the wonderful person you are. And as for the other qualities…”, he brushes his thump across Nico’s bottom lip. “I’m pretty sure that you are absolutely aware of your foreboding self. And I am proud to say that I’m dating this really wonderful dark prince who has an amazing self-control and very much sense of justice, adequacy and restraint when it comes to facing his fatal flaw.” His hands immerse in the silky black hair and he pulls the Ghost King into a sweet kiss.

After a few seconds, Nico kisses him back. They don’t stop for a long time and finally, Will breaks the kiss with a concerned sigh. “Feeling better?”

“A bit.”, the other boy admits. “It’s still a quite crushing blow. I don’t know what I feel or how I feel about myself. Thanks for yelling at me, by the way.”

“Anytime, you know I always love to set you straight.” Will considers a bit. “You know, you always could just ask your father about these things. He’s always been responding to your questions and if it really bothers you, you could just ask for his help.”

 

**Nico’s POV**

 

He does. Right after sunset, when the darkness starts to chime in (Hades’ preferred time to do walks aboveground), he visits the Oakwood Cemetery. It isn’t his first choice, but he doesn’t want to go into one of the churches. They are just too new and modern for his taste. He likes the old European versions better: ancient, massive represents of medieval architecture and filled with beautiful and tragic history of hundreds and hundreds of years. He sits down in the shadow of the little Chapel and starts his prayers, or rather his monologue to his father – explaining the situation and asking for answers. He leaves a pomegranate on the doorstep and returns to the Solace’s place.

Naomi greets him warmly and serves dinner. During his two coping days, she stayed completely out of line and did not even press him to eat, sleep or go out but just occasionally set some drinks in front of him or cuddled him with a blanket (Will didn’t get his caring compassion from his father, that’s for sure). Now that he’s returned to the world of conscious, she just welcomes him without any question. He decides she deserves the title ‘host of the year’ and that he really needs to bring along flowers the next day.

He does not get that far. In the night, his father visits him. He looks like usual, dressed in the scary robes filled with death and destruction. Nico doesn’t mind, though. There are worse things than pain and corpses.

“You had an encounter with your previous life?”, Hades asks nonchalantly.

“Yes. I didn’t know we were persecuted. I didn’t know a thing.”, he murmurs and then says with slightly suppressed accuse. “Couldn’t you have tried to save the rest of them as well?”

His father laughs ruthless “Oh, I did try. And you know what would’ve happened. I have never been in a position to protect my beloved. How was I to defend a whole family from both my brethren and my siblings? I could not even save Maria. Nor Bianca. Nor Hazel and Marie, for the matter. I came close enough to lose you more than once.” His voice is bitter now.

Nico sighs. He’s still uncomfortable with the occasional gentleness from the lord of the Underworld. It feels foreign, weird, but not totally unpleasant. He concentrates on his priority: Answers. “The way they died, my mortal family, …my…your other children did that, right?”

He senses his father’s unease. “Yes. I am not proud of that. You already know where it led them after life.”  _To the Fields of Punishment_ , Nico answers in his head. He saw them, once. He’s never liked that place – aside from Tartarus, it’s the darkest, the worst, the most gruesome thing to see. He always tried to avoid getting there.

His concern grows. “But they are still…my…brothers. I am...I mean, can you guarantee that I won’t be…the same?” His father raises his eyebrows, obviously surprised that his son has come up with such a farfetched idea. “I don’t have any memory of my mortal family. I don’t remember my childhood – only broken bits and pieces here and there. Now I have to face the fact that my whole family died out and I am a relative to  _all_ of their murderers in some way.” He starts stomping up and down his dream-sphere. “How can I  _not_ be as bad?” His desperation crawls to the surface anew. “I am as much a murderer, as cruel, as vicious…”

Only then, Hades stops him. “Nico, you are, by all means, different from any other of my children and I am proud to take notice in that. I cannot give you any sort of promise that you will ever be a harmless, peaceful and slack person, but I am sure that, would you share my other children’s characteristics, you had not acted as you did in the past.”

“But how can I be sure? And when will you tell me about my Italian family? Do you know what happened to them?”

The god exhales aloud. “My son, I will send you to a place where you can find answer to your questions – but I can assure you that the trip will cause you both emotional challenge and pain. Your past will be revealed to you and some of the stories I’d rather not have you to remember or learn about. Nevertheless, it might help you understand who you are.”

“Will you send me back to Italy, father?”

“No. You will not find your past there. But, there is another place that holds your answers. There, the lost part of your family’s history, the stories about your godly siblings and other information awaits you. Also, you will have a possibility to…put yourself into perspective, so to say. It might help you coming to terms with…who you are, Nico.”

“I don’t understand. It sounds like you’re sending me to Italy. My family, my godly sibling from the past…it must be Italy.”

“No, Nico. Your answers lie in Germany. If you want to fully understand, you must go there.”

 


	3. Anna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

 

**Nico’s POV**

 

“No way. There’s no way I’m letting you leave for Germany! After Nero and his _Germani_? Who knows what kind of people you’ll meet there! Germans are…I really have no idea what Germans are like but they’re always the bad ones in the movies. That can’t be coincidence.”, Will exclaims and then pounces.

Nico has anticipated that much. He has told his father right away that, first, he couldn’t shadow-travel there without completely draining himself and second, his boyfriend would simply hate him if he went there alone.

“I’ve got it covered. In about one hour, my father sends some sort of escort for the two of us. You’re coming with me, sunshine. Of course, only if you want to.”

Will pales and hesitates a bit. “Abroad? Like, travelling? Just the two of us…?”

“What’s the matter?”, Nico asks when the healer starts nibbling his fingernails.

Will keeps hemming and hawing. “I’ve never left this country. I’ve never…even been on a plane.”

“Me neither. I can’t fly; like, never. It’s forbidden for me – as well as for Percy, by the way.”, Nico explains when Will seems confused. “I think we’ll be shadow-travelled there or something. My father’s very fond of jumping through the shadows.” Will rolls his eyes at that.

“But it’s easier for you.”, Will insists. “You have seen the world! I don’t know the slightest thing about Europe, let alone Germany. What if I pack the wrong things? What if I embarrass myself? I have never traveled before except to CHB.”

The son of Hades understands Will’s fear. He considers his opportunities and decides to go for persuasion. Nico takes two steps forwards and rests his hands on the blonde’s hips, his mouth less than an inch from his ear. “Then it’s the best opportunity you have to change that. Imagine us, all alone in Berlin, having fancy dinners all to ourselves without even being bothered, doing touristic stuff, sneak around and secretly making out here and there…Germans are quite tolerant, so I’ve heard.”, he whispers and bites Will’s earlobe. The healer shudders.

He gives in easily. Nico explains their plans to Naomi only minutes later, who strangely seems to support her son getting to travel the world. But, of course, she impresses on Nico to look after her little sunshine and he promises (unnecessarily) on the River Styx. He’s done proper negotiations and research the last night through dream-traveling and asking around (he even managed to reach Annabeth and got a thorough briefing on German history and German geography). His father promised to cover all their expenses (and, being the deity of riches, he’s nothing if not generous on money, Nico assures). They don’t even have to pack their stuff, because his father decided that they could as well go shopping in Berlin, where they will meet with their contact person.

She’s not even startled when they appear on her roof-deck garden on a hellhound out of thin air. It’s already late afternoon, around 4 p.m., when they arrive in the middle of Berlin. Opposite to them stands a beautiful lady with dark blonde hair and a generally pale skin. Her features are delicately chiseled and her bright eyes are observant. She looks a bit like a teacher close to telling her students off (she reminds him a bit of Annabeth), but her smile is genuine when she spots them.

“Hi there, boys. You must be Nico and Will. Hades told me you’d come. My name is Anna.”, she shakes their hands with a much firmer grip than Nico would’ve expected. Anna has a German accent, her pronunciation sounds a bit hard on the consonants and the ‘th’-sound is slightly off, but otherwise she speaks English perfectly. “I bet your father has not told you about me or anything concerning this trip?”, she states towards Nico with a smirk.

He’s taken aback. “You obviously know him well.”

Anna sends him an amused smile. “I agree, he’s not very talkative. Prefers the dark ways of mystery, I guess. Alright, I’ll give you a head-up. Join me for a coffee?” She points towards the small table with already set cups and beverages and snacks prepared. “You should try the cake.”, she advises. “Germany is famous for high-calorie cakes and pastries. Deadly to the body but a real treat for the taste buds.” Turns out she’s right. Nico chuckles when Will tries to unsuccessfully suppress his moans of delight while having filled chocolate cake.

“So, first of all, my connection to your father.”, Anna starts. “As much as that sounds off, we’re friends, in a certain way. I’m a psychologist with a specialization on everything linked with tragedy as well as PTSD and coping death. Therefore I am also very deep into the topics of psychopathy, sociopathy and personality disorders. I’m an expert when it comes to all kinds of abysses in the human mind, so to say. I’ve done my studies on the worst crimes in 20th century and came to several observations that, funnily, triggered your father’s interest since some of his children were included in such. I might add that I made cross passages to several incidents in Greek mythology, most of them including the Underworld and its ruler.”

Nico feels slightly stunned. “Did you call him a psychopath, too?”

Anna’s laugh fills the air. “I might have called him a severely misunderstood personality with serious issues.” Will nearly chokes on his flan. “Didn’t he flay you for that?”

She shakes her head. “No, he went to talk to me. I have become his confident.” Both boys gape at her in horror. “It started several years ago, after he realized that his oldest brother had broken his oath not to have any further children. He confessed that he had hidden his own children in a place out of time and considered to get them out. I convinced him to wait, because his third brother would maybe have broken their oath, too – with a volatile nature like that it was only a matter of time – and so Hades would be better off in comparison. Turned out I was right.”, she adds proudly.

Nico has to give her credit; she’s smart, observant and really careful. Still, it feels weird to finally meet the person that has so much influence on his life without his knowledge so far. Anna continues. “Only when he was safe to release you and your sister without having to fear his family’s wrath, you were freed. I was probably the only person to know everything about you from the beginning and I must admit that I couldn’t help suffering with you. Bianca’s death pained me very much – not only because she was a wonderful person but also because she was your anchor and your only family left, Nico. Your father might not have seen it back then, but I suspected a lot about you.” Her eyes are on him, showing a lot of hidden fondness and care in a face so well-controlled. He’s flinched a bit at the mention of Bianca’s name but the way Anna speaks about her and about _him_ sounds so genuinely concerned…he can’t help feeling comfortable around her. Her irony is refreshing and she’s so wonderfully straightforward.

“I tried to make your father see reason most of the time. Sometimes he would listen, but he’s very stubborn…only when I threatened to stop our sessions entirely, he decided to let go of some of his grudges. I have to admit, Nico, meeting you now and, even further, along with your boyfriend, makes me feel very, very honored. I am proud to see the person you have become and I am even prouder to have been asked to help you understand you…certain things.”

He winces at the word ‘boyfriend’ but offers a small smile at her compliment. Anna’s observant eyes do take notice in his reaction but she does not give away her opinion, if there is any. She sighs. “There is a lot to tell you, both of you, I might say.”, she adds towards Will. “The following days will be neither nice nor easy and I am afraid that your visit here might not entirely satisfy, if at all, any of your concerns. I have decided to help you the best I can to cope, but the greatest amount of effort must be coming from the both of you boys.” Nico and Will look at each other, uncomfortable at so much calculated directness. Nico really likes the way Anna never seems to beat around the bush, but he figures that Will, used to chattering, might be over-strained. The therapist seems to notice that as well.

“I am sorry, Will. I sense that you’re not used to people who avoid too many filling words.”

Nico coughs in his fist and both Anna and Will have to laugh.

“It is a very German thing to be unable to do small talk. We usually get straight to the point, which makes us seem cold and deliberate. People all around the world think we hate being nice but we just don’t like speaking without purpose. It’s nothing personal, I assure you – but I can imagine it must be very hard for you especially, considering your godly parent. Oh yes, I know.”, she smiles when he raises his eyebrows. “And I am very eager to get a look into that blonde little head of yours.”

Will blushes but pushes his chin forward in challenge. “Because you can’t understand how a shallow son of god so opposite to Nico’s father could ever be with him?”

“No. Because I always loved to discover the dark side in sunny personalities and yours must be extraordinary fascinating, otherwise you and Nico wouldn’t be together. Let’s say, the depths of your personality are urging to be freed.” Her expression is captivating, her eyes full of enthrallment; drawing both of their attention.

Will blinks several times. “I…don’t think I can follow you.”

“You are a subject just as intriguing as your boyfriend, but my experience tells me that you have never realized this. Not yet. I want to help you reveal the things you hide from yourself.”

“Why?”

“Because, my dear healer, I always loved to take it deep.”, she whispers seductively and both boys have to cough. Will’s face is now seriously red. Anna easily shrugs off the embarrassment of the situation. “Don’t worry, I’m not planning to seduce either of you. I just like to challenge.”

Shortly after, she takes them on a marathon shopping trip that includes a lot of happy stuttering from Will and even more frowning complaints from Nico because no one believes him that black is _indeed_ a color and no, he does not want to try out something new. So they just let him be and so he ends up with some new black and gray clothes whereas Will has found himself the whole rainbow of a new colorful wardrobe. She leaves them to the city afterwards, so they could stroll around and enjoy themselves.

Berlin is not beautiful _per se,_ but the city has a certain charm. Between the gray and dusty bits, there is a cosmopolitan vibe that captures the boys. They see a lot of other homosexual couples and no one seems to care the tiniest bit. Nico still doesn’t want to kiss Will in public, but they sneak around some corners for short private make-out sessions and he allows some hand-holding during their sight-seeing.

In the evening they discover that Berlin is much less restrictive on young people than any city they know when it comes to going out. Anna takes them into some bars and no one even bothers to ask their age. It’s loud and crowded and just…nice. Most people speak a decent English so they have a lot of opportunities to learn about everything on German beer and cuisine, German engineering and the gay policy of the country (“Really, we have openly gay politicians but they’re not allowed to get married or adopt? That’s so stupid!”).

Anna doesn’t let them have anything alcoholic – although she doesn’t count drinks with less than 5 ‰ as ‘alcoholic’ so they are slightly tipsy when they return to her home – but she allows them to stay up as long as they like. Both demigods fall into their huge bed and turn to the side to enjoy the view out of the panorama window that shows a brilliant sight of the German capital. With Will’s arms wrapped around him, Nico falls asleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this chapter is a bit the quiet before the storm. Things will start to get tough in the next chapter.


	4. On the road towards the unknown terror

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

 

**Will’s POV**

 

The next morning, they leave quite early – much to Nico’s obvious distaste. Will watches his boyfriends’ mood change when they enter the motorway and Anna’s car speeds up to. Whatever wage psychiatrists earn in Germany, if it’s enough to afford such a vehicle…

He, on the other hand, feels a bit concerned at their speed.

“Hey, Anna…Won’t you get a ticket? How fast are we going at the moment?”

The psychiatrist chuckles “There’s no speed limit on most German motorways.”

“What? You can go however fast you like?” Will’s brain cells certainly struggle to process this information.

Anna simply rolls her eyes (as well as Nico). “Several politicians have tried to establish such a thing but were never successful. It’s a bit like the States and their weapons...no restriction even against better judgment. Though I must admit that I like driving fast as well; we’re around 150 mph.” Will shrieks a little at that. “Don’t worry, you’re in a Porsche Macan – the car is really beyond safe.”

The healer isn’t too pleased with her answer, but Nico decides to change the topic to ask where they are going.

“It’s a place called Buchenwald. I will explain more once we’re there. It won’t take too long to get there, though, only a few hours of motorway driving. The A 9 and the A 4 will leads us most of the way. But I’d like to propose a little side trip for you.”, she addresses to Will. “There is something that you maybe would like to see before we get to the terrifying part of this trip.”

When they leave the motorway, a very green landscape surrounds them: Fields, trees, forests and meadows seam the twisty streets. The villages and towns passing look so insignificant in between the vast greens. In the middle of nowhere, it seems, they park and walk the short distance following the dirt road. Nico, who fell asleep halfway through the trip, shudders just lightly like he always does when sensing the dead.

They leave the car and follow the road right across the crop field. Everything looks so _natural_ around here. Flat out healthy and slightly pristine. Then Will sees where they are heading and is just amazed.

The three of them reach a huge wooden Circular Enclosure built like two round palisade trenches with open spaces for doors. It’s like entering a round wooden fort from ancient times and Anna explains: “This is the so-called ‘Goseck circle’. It’s around 7000 years old and was used to predict the course of the sun, probably as a kind of calendar for agriculture. People back then also did rites and sacrifices here and it was probably a form of market place or other activities of socialization.”

They enter through the open space in the circles.  “Well, I can tell that much: Human sacrifices were made right over there.”, Nico points towards an absolutely unimpressive space in the circle. “There were several corpses buried down here, all buried in the most honorable way and with precious gifts. People must’ve been very scared from the Gods.”

They go on looking around. Nico sometimes touches the ground, mumbling something about ancient human sacrifices and burial rites. Will, who takes a look around, gasps once he realizes the purpose of the enclosure’s holes. Next to him, Anna smiles. “They discovered this in the 1990’s and recreated its original look. It is even older than Stonehenge. It’s quite remarkable: The two southern openings mark the sunrise and sunset of the winter solstice and summer solstice, as you already have figured out, I am sure.” She turns to Will, who starts pacing up and down from excitement.

“This is amazing. It shows exactly where the sun would rise and set at these dates and there’s something about the first of May within the smaller spaces there…Wow!”, he exclaims, trying to get a grip on his awe. Nico once told him that he is most anchored when visiting a cemetery chapel or a burial place. Until today, he never fully understood the meaning in this. Here, right in the middle of a sun-centered legacy, Will can practically _feel_ the heat of the sun pulsing through his veins, refreshing him. “This is the perfect way to show the circularity of life and death! Everything has a beginning and an end but the world keeps spinning and the sun will rise again…”

He notices Nico rolling his eyes again. “What? We’re in a place that’s basically a tribute to my father, how can I not become at least a little flustered and poetic?” The black haired boy laughs lightly at that.

Anna corrects him. “Funnily, that goes for Nico’s father as well. Please keep in mind that many sacrificed people lie buried here as well. This place was not only a symbol of light but also darkness. I wanted to show this to you because this is one of the few places in the world where light and darkness are connected in a perfect symbiosis.”, Anna says. “Not much unlike you two. Darkness with a bright side; brightness with a dark side. ”

Will feels himself blushing again but she reassures him. “Will, there’s no need to be afraid of your darker sides and desires. Even if you don’t want to acknowledge them, they’re there. By falling in love with Nico, the prince of darkness himself and helping him to spot his bright side, you finally accepted some of your personal depths and that’s a good thing.”

Will’s eyebrows rise in question. Her words trigger something in him, besides his euphoria and awe. He never liked talking about his ‘depths’ and would usually keep them under lock and key. With Nico being his _significant other_ , though, that kind of seclusion became impossible, of course – he just had to open about his personal demons to the other boy …

Anna vocalizes his thoughts. “Think back a little, young demigod. Before Nico and before you fell for him and probably sometimes even still; how did and do you cope with your problems and fears? Overworking yourself? Keeping up a nice face so no one would be bothered? Being there for everyone else before facing the nagging thoughts in the back of your mind, just to have them arise again in your dreams?”

The healer stays quiet. Here, in the center of a tribute to his fathers’ persona, he cannot refuse himself the truth. Yes, he’s suffered even though he’d never conceded that. His thoughts were locked in a nice cage of happy-go-lucky without him being able to ever let himself relinquish. She’s right, sometimes he still does that. But mostly, whenever Nico is bothered by something (which happens rather often), Will is both able and forced to let out some of his own negative energy. Also, the son of Hades never expects him to show a happy face – he can behave as positively or negatively as he likes around Nico and never has to fear any judgment. Whenever he buries himself in work, Nico stops him, whenever his inner doctor drives him crazy, the other boy can calm him down.

He squints his nose. “D’you think I would’ve snapped at some point?”, he asks Anna in a low voice.

She seems to consider. “Maybe. I think it is more likely that, at some point, you would’ve collapsed and experienced some sort of depression from the lack of self-admittance. Or developed a serious burn-out without someone or something to slow you down. I would expect you to be the type of person to wear themselves out easily because they fail to pause for a moment and linger when trying to archive a goal.”

Will nods and reaches out for Nico’s hand. He needs a little solace now and the son of Hades is more than eager to give it to him, it seems. Nico even gives him a peck on the cheek and whispers with a slight tease: “Don’t worry, sunshine, I would never let you drown in your own brightness.” He cannot resist to smile at that. _See? I need you as much as you need me? Right now, right at this place, we are perfectly connected._ Against his better judgment, Will gives Nico a short kiss on the lips. The Italian kisses back but shies away quickly and rolls his eyes (Anna purses her lips at that, but doesn’t comment their actions).

They don’t visit the Info Point since the therapist assures them that they’re on a tight schedule. Anna and the boys make their way towards a town called Weimar and in a beautiful small café she finally starts to approach the cause for their visit so far away from home.

“Alright, the time has come. Nico, the reason you’re here in Germany is to find out about your family and your past. I’ve been thinking and re-thinking how to show you, to tell you, what happened back then and what connections there are. I think I have to start at the very beginning: With your brothers Adolf and Benito.”

She hands them two pictures from her purse: The first shows Adolf Hitler, wearing a black suit and looking grimly into the camera.

Nico stares at it. “He looks so much like my…our father. Except for the beard and the hair. But the rest…”, he whispers.

The other picture shows Benito Mussolini in his uniform. Anna turns it around and Will gets a glance at young Benito, maybe in his late teens. He does not resemble Hades so much but someone else: Nico. Really, they could be some sort of distant siblings, which, of course, they are in a sick way. Will has to remind himself that they’re looking at the profile of a first-class dictator to not find the guy slightly attractive, even though he looks disheveled and confused. His eyes are missing Nico absent mystery and kindness, though, and his face is much less delicate but a lot wider and more angular than his boyfriend’s. He looks more determined and his expression seems harder to Will, but maybe that’s just because he knows that this man wasn’t one of the good ones. “I think I’m gonna vomit.”, Nico mutters.

Anna hands them some more pictures of Mussolini and gives them a short CV:

“Benito was born in 1883 in northern Italy, in a city called Predappio. Hades met his mother Rosa, a devout catholic teacher, during a mass. Rosa was educated and conservative – a rare thing for a woman back then. She was already married to Alessandro but their marriage was childless until then. She believed in heavenly justice and wondered if she was being punished for having married against her parents’ will. She really longed to have children and well, your father…”

Anna clears her throat in a meaningful way (Nico hides his face in his palms) and goes on.

“Young Benito was smart and eager to prove himself. There was some mischief in his youth but nothing peculiar. He got married in 1910 and would have five children with his wife– he had tons of other lovers and affairs that resulted in more children, by the way, but never mind. Benito worked as a political writer and a teacher in the early 20th century – he was ambitious but egocentric and wanted advancement at all cost. When he tried to boycott the Italian army in 1911, he was sentenced to prison for a year. Benito was a successful and talented journalist. Like his step-father, he was an absolutely atheistic Marxist and socialist, who had even more sponsors after he joined the _fasci_ ; no one knows when exactly he politically turned from red to brown. After his military service and the World War I, he started being politically active. First without success, but he was able to use the destabilized position Rome was in to seize the government in 1922. Two years later, he was elected officially and became the _Duce_. He was an imperialist and a fascist but he held a relatively low profile until his military engagement in Africa and Spain overburdened Italy and he had to ask his un-beloved half brother for help. Most Italians did not even consider Italy and Mussolini as _real fascist_ before, he was the Duce and they held their national pride but the _real fascists_ in their eyes were the Germans. With their arrival, the problems started for Italian Jews and everyone else considered worthless in their eyes…”

She puts the Duce’s pictures back and pulls out several Hitler photographs. Will’s hands are getting sweaty. He has heard things, of course and some movies made indications but he always refused to believe the film industry. He feels unable to understand what Anna means when she talks about humans ‘considered worthless’. Regardless his confusion, he keeps listening to her words.

“Adolf was born in 1889, six years after Benito in Linz, Austria. His mother Clara had lost two children before him – maybe she shouldn’t have married her second cousin – and tried everything to finally have a healthy child: nature magic, ancient witchcraft – you get the picture.”

Nico murmurs next to him: “Reminds me of Hazel’s mother and her attempts with magic. That drew his attention as well. He keeps making the same mistakes over and over.” _Thank the gods that Hazel and Nico aren’t anything like their half-brothers!_ , Will thinks. Nico nods towards Anna to continue.

“Adolf was healthy but lazy and as un-empathetic as a rock, contemporary witnesses say. His step-father tried in vain to make him study harder with corporeal punishment. His parents died early. Adolf tried to become an artist but was never successful. He came to Germany just before World War I and went to fight voluntarily. His comrades didn’t like him much: Never talkative, never smoking, never drinking, never visiting a bordello and always obedient, he gathered his honors. When Germany lost the War in 1918, he was mad. Around this time, he decided that the Jews were the reason for everything bad that happened to the German people. No one really knows how this occurred – all the time before, he seemed rather fond of them and even had Jewish friends. I won’t go into details about his prison sentence or the Munich Putsch or how he took over the country and everything else – just know that 1933, he became the ‘Führer’. Adolf acted fast. Fundamental freedoms were annulled within shortest time and all other parties and unions aside from the NSDAP – the Nazis – were forbidden. His propaganda was so successful that a cult developed within months. He was able to lead his country into war within just six years.”

Now, Anna is kneading her hands. She seems uneasy, which makes Will nervous as well. Whatever sets on edge the nerves of that woman will probably be grave. He is right. “First unbeknownst to the people, the Nazis started building Concentration Camps in 1933 for political opponents and ‘criminals’. Later, they were stocked with Jews, handicapped, prisoners of war, ‘foreigners’ and everyone that was considered asocial or anti-social. Adolf and his followers started the worst genocide imaginable. The Nazis had whole ministries to find Jewish and other politically undesired people. There were laws – the Nuremberg laws – against Jewish people or hybrid-Jewish people marrying a German. They had no civil rights whatsoever and were denied their nationality. Whoever had enough money or connections, fled the country. The rest was persecuted and deported to the Camps. He started in Germany and went on with every country he took over or allied with.”

Will gulps and looks at her with fear. “W-what exactly is a Concentration Camp?”

“Well, Concentration or Labor Camps are like huge outdoor prisons. Usually their prisoners don’t get a trial but are simply put there. Instead of being isolated and secluded, their prisoners are forced to work for the country. Camps like that existed long before and after the Nazis – the work is always hard, food is usually scarce and the punishments dire. But the Nazi Concentration Camps did not have the goal to simply exploit their inmates, they were sent there to die. The killing was industrialized. They used gas chambers and firing squads and of course food deprivation. The work was extraordinarily hard. War production, working in stone quarries or building teams or, well, in Camp administration.”

Will’s and Nico’s eyes are on her, huge and disbelieving, questioning, overburdened with what terror to picture in their heads at these words. “Gas chambers?”, Nico manages to choke out.

“Yes. They used Zyklon B, which is Hydrogen cyanide or Carbon monoxide to kill a huge number of people at once. They were led into gas chambers that looked exactly like shower rooms. Other prisoners, threatened with death to work in the so-called _Sonderkommandos_ , told them to undress and leave everything in the changing rooms and calmed them down so they wouldn’t suspect anything. In Auschwitz, they had capacities to easily kill thousands every day.”, Anna says with a restrained voice.

Will starts to feel numb in his horror. _How could anyone…?_ It seems impossible for his mind to follow that kind of thinking. What sick brain decides to just extinguish thousands of people every day until no one is left? Nico tries to find his voice. “When you speak of ‘Camp administration’…?”, he starts but doesn’t go on. Anna answers anyway.

“Someone had to clean, someone had to do the accounting and inventory, someone had to work in the sick barracks, someone had to classify and divide the newcomers, someone had to take care of the luggage, the clothes, the jewelry, the dental gold, the glasses, someone had to lead the people to the gas chambers and move the bodies to the crematory, burn them, bury the ashes…the SS would not to that.”

If Will has not been crying before, he most definitely is now. His hands are covering his mouth and Nico rests his face in his fingers either. Anna’s words are spoken neither in a monotone nor cold way, but the way she speaks about all these things matter-of-factly…then again, the Germans are probably reminded of their past very often, Will figures, since they lost the war. So maybe, when she first heard of all of this, Anna probably reacted more affected.

“Nearly six million Jews died in the Camps along around 3 million prisoners of war, and hundred thousands of gentiles for ethnic, political or stupid social Darwinistic reasons – they were maybe mentally ill, or disabled…This special German genocide is called Holocaust or Shoa, that’s what the Jews call it.” She takes a breath and turns to a very shocked-looking Nico.

“M-My my father?”, he stammers and Will knows that he desperately tries to understand how his father could allow his sons to do such a thing. Anna shakes her head. “Adolf and Benito did not have any sort of contact with their godly father. They knew what they were and they did know about each other but Hades never supported them as soon as he was aware of their true nature. He wasn’t able to stop them, though, because he was so busy with the millions of dead from the two wars. Also, he went to save his other children instead, but most of them were…extinguished by either their brothers or the gods or other circumstances. Adolf and Benito were the last ones to die in April 1945. Only Bianca and you were left, because he’d managed to get you out of Europe on time. He must have loved you and your mother very much.”

Will’s hand finds Nico’s and pulls him into a hug. They hold onto each other in their horror and disbelief. Anna looks out of the window silently, her eyes wearily drinking in the faraway past. _She gives us time to handle with the information_ , Will muses to himself. _She’s waiting before giving our brains the next blow._ It takes them some time to calm down but eventually, the leave the café and drive out of the town, along a long alley right through the forest. Will thinks that there’s nothing to be expected here except more wilderness but then they pass a huge memorial with its parking space. The forest stretches on. Shortly after, the car passes rails that seem to end right here, in the middle of nowhere and then they reach the parking space. In front of them, there are old-looking row houses or caserns. They don’t linger there but follow the way through the trees until they reach a huge space incarcerated by barbwire and guarded by watchtowers and an alarmingly neutral entrance. Anna rests her hands on both Nico’s and Will’s shoulders. Every little cell in Will’s body is on high alert. _Oh no. This is one of those. Oh gods, we’re gonna see one of the camps._

Anna confirms his inner voice. “We are going to visit a former Concentration Camp now. Buchenwald was a Camp for men only, but the story that is told within the memorial speaks for all of the Jewish population and all the other victims of the Holocaust or Shoa. I will give you some more information about your personal story after the visit but I first want you to fully understand what I am talking about when the time comes. Be brave, now, Will and Nico. You are going to see with your own eyes what happened in Germany during the NS-regime. I’ll be with you the whole time. If all of this is too much, if you’re about to have a panic attack or if you just cannot cope with all of it anymore, please feel free to stop this visit at any time. The things you are going to face in there will, of course, be terrible to process.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to spotlight Will a bit better. I always have the feeling that he and his characteristics are somehow forgotten. 
> 
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> The toughest part is to follow this. I hope I didn't bore anyone out with the CV's but they're really necessary for Nico and I really concentrated on just the basics. 
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> 
> If you wondered if they might be too young for this - the Buchenwald Memorial and Museum is for people 15 or older. 
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> Please let me know your thoughts.


	5. The Camp

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

** Nico’s POV **

 

The metal entrance door at the Camp gate is unsettling already, to say the least. Anna translates the words (‘JEDEM DAS SEINE’) that are written across: “The original saying is Latin: ‘Suum cuique’. It mean ‘to each his own’ or ‘may all get their due’ – you can probably imagine how cynical it was meant in this context.”

When they enter and pass the watchtowers, Nico starts shaking violently. Waves of terror, of blood lust and sadistic deaths are washing over him. He tries to harden his expression and not to give in into all the pain he feels. He reaches out for Will again, seeking warmth and comfort. The therapist watches them and tries to reassure the demigod. “I know there is a lot of pain and death buried around here. I must be really distressing for you to feel all of these unfiltered murders.”

“It is.”, Nico says. “But I know how to deal with it. It’s not the first time I’m facing thousands of innocent deaths. The dead are beyond help now and hopefully resting in peace. It’s just a bit overwhelming, the extent of…what they did.” He looks down and blinks hard.

A wide space of nothingness gapes at them. There is nothing fancy about the surroundings, no house of horror demanding attention about this place; its silent vastness and still memories speak for themselves. No unnecessary stage setting, no colorful accouterments – just accusing quietness. Visitors might not  _ see  _ but they can  _ feel _ the testimony. Nico for sure experiences it.

Before they go to visit the museum, they walk around the entire place. There’s a neck shooting facility camouflaged as a leveling board, there are terrible bullpens in the bunker, there’s the beating rack – cold, hard, unaware of all the pain it’s caused; of all the blood spilled on the floor beneath. They see the crematoriums with the next-door dissecting table. The cremation ovens are nicely framed in customary clinkers; built like to comply with any interior design requirements. The black grimy color that adheres them shows that they, indeed, were used on a daily basis once upon a terrible time.

There’s only one left of the masses of barracks that used to stand here, side by side, like an accumulation of most primitive housing complexes; surrounded by endless woodlands: A green prison full of mud or dust on warm days, a brown desert in midsummer and a white freezer once the cold season would come. They wander around incessantly. The Camp stretches on and on; spacious and open in every direction until the trees or formerly electrically charged barbed wire fences mark its borders.

On the edge of the forest, hundreds of metal steles have been placed; each representing 5 to 7 daily killed Soviet prisoners of war. Nico feels his hands shaking again when they pass the forest cemetery. He remembers the thousands of buried bones in Portugal and how tingly his whole body felt once he acknowledged them. Here, there are much more victims, much more bodies and nearly none of them died as easily as those in Évora. His nerves are on high alert; his mind feels raw and scratched.

Anna asks if they want to walk to the mass ring graves and the huge memorial built by the Socialists nearly 2 miles away but both Nico and Will decline.

“I don’t think I can handle more dead at the moment.”, Nico whispers. “I feel like a wreck already.”

With a shiver, Will adds. “I would not like to go there, either. We should probably head to the toughest part, now. Everything else would be a delaying tactic.”

Anna simply nods and tells them that they will now go and see the museum. She’s been explaining a lot during their walk, but she’s been trying to do it as distanced as possible so the boys won’t be terrified before they get see the worst with their own eyes.

They see a movie – terrible and unbelievable. It goes under their skin, yes, but it is not the most impressive medium in the exposition. The worst are the pictures. Black-and-white horror creeps its way into their brains as they study these empty faces, haggard and bony. Piles of corpses. Thousands and thousands of shaven, defiled bodies. They show the dead – merely skeletons with skin stacked on carriages or lying in the open space. They show children and men in the terrible pajama-like uniforms, they show victims behind barbwire – so thin that every single bone is easily identifiable; knees and elbows by far the thickest part of their limbs. How were they still alive? The pictures show the stable-like living spaces in the barracks, filled with too many people to even sleep side by side – skinny, hopeless, at the mercy of their inevitable end. Shoes and clothes whose owners went up in smoke. Sorrow painted in watercolors and charcoal. The English explanations next to the pictures try to help the visitors understanding but nothing can make you understand this, goes through Nico's head. The deaths in this camp weren’t peaceful; there was no salvation, just cruelty. He feels emptiness spreading in his body.

Will sobs that he doesn’t even know how much tears to shed for these poor humans, living skeletons with nothing left in an atmosphere of terror, torture, pain. Nico studies the pictures as well, no less horror-struck, but he thinks differently about the people they show; eyes that tell tales of endless dolor and pain and still there’s a basal living will in them. Those faces speak wordlessly of anger, pain, sorrow, hopelessness, desperation and a clinging to live, however futile it may be. Since the pictures were shot after the liberation of the camp, some of the faces are joyous, happy and overwhelmed with relief. Most of the men, though, looks much too weak to show any positive emotion at all.

“Look at those eyes.”, he murmurs. “Their eyes…some of them…there is so much resistance. It’s like they challenge the photographer to test their mental strength. The way they look says so much, something like ‘You can trap us and jail us, mortify and kill us but you’ll never break us.’ There’s so much courage in those eyes…”, he whispers and, following his gaze, Will seemingly discovers pieces of image he describes, too.

Anna lightly touches Nico’s shoulder. “Buchenwald was one of the Camps that had an organized Resistance. Several prisoners had been able to smuggle weapons and to install a secret committee that sabotaged the SS and tried to rescue as many as possible. They were even able to contact the US Third Army in 1945 and overpower their guards and welcome the soldiers. Or, at least, those of them who still had the strength. But their bravery and will to survive made history.”

And then Nico points at a prisoner’s uniform with a strange badge. “Did the color stand for something?”, he asks and Anna, again, looks down and moves to an explanation poster. “There were triangles and stars. Stars were for the Jews, triangles for regular prisoners. The stars had a triangle within sometimes, like a double-identification. Red meant ‘political prisoner’, like communists. Green were ‘criminals’: thieves and murderers and every general meaning. ‘Emigrants’, meaning ‘people who had tried to run from the fascists but their territory was claimed by them during war’, were blue. The purple color was given to prisoners from church, for example Jehovah’s Witnesses or priests. Black simply meant ‘antisocial’ – Gypsies, mentally ill or disabled, beggars, alcoholics, pacifists, when female: prostitutes, sometimes Lesbians. And then, there’s the pink badge…”, she looks so apologetically at them that Nico finishes her sentence without hesitation, looking at the explanation poster.

“…for the homosexual men.”

“But why?”, Will asks, still or again teary-eyed. “Why would they even care? And what difference would it make for the prisoners to know, I mean, they were all in the same boat!”

“Come with me.”, Anna says and leads them outside again, right to Block 45 – toward the small memorial stone for the prisoners with the pink triangle. “I didn’t have much time to prepare all this, but the moment I knew you both were coming I decided to help you understand some things about your boyfriend’s world, Will. See, by showing the prisoners why exactly everyone had been brought to the camp, the SS was able to play them off against each other. No one wanted to be associated with them. Even amongst the suppressed and segregated prisoners, they were in the lowest possible position.” Her lips press together and she makes a exasperated gesture.

“The thing is, before the fascists gained power, Berlin was a city fond of its homosexual culture. There were Gay Clubs and bars for Travesty shows; there even was a gay movement. Some of the fascist politicians of the first hours were even openly gay, like Ernst Röhm, but when the Nazis had overtaken the country, the decided to obliterate anyone who wouldn’t serve the high purpose of reproduction. Homophobic behavior wasn't at all uncommon during that time. People accepted hatred and prejudice and so no one particularly objected when Röhm was killed in 1934.

So, when the time came to strike, they didn’t even hesitate to kill their own followers  _ for the Greater Good _ . Homosexuals were never one of the main targets to imprison, but they were nevertheless persecuted, observed, arrested and killed. Their fate was even sadder sometimes than those of regular prisoners.” Anna drags some papers from her purse. “I’ve tried to make some translations for you; maybe this is a good surrounding to read them out.”

She hands Will her neatly written notes, along with the original papers, and his words fill the air despite his dyslexia.

“ _> The number of men convicted of homosexuality during the Nazi period totaled around fifty thousand.< The imprisonment of thousands of gay men into Concentration Camps was, without doubt, the most inhuman and brutal measurement of the NS regime during the persecution of homosexuals. In the Camps, they were separated, isolated, re-educated or killed._

_ A witness reported: >We had been here for almost two months, but it seemed like endless years to us. When we were 'transferred' here, we had numbered around three hundred men. Whips were used more frequently each morning, when we were forced down into the clay pits under the wailing of the camp sirens. 'Only fifty are still alive,' whispered the man next to me. 'Stay in the middle -- then you won't get hit so much.'< _

_ After the beginning of World War II, the National Socialistic terror regime intensified the measurement against homosexuals. During 1933 until 1939 the percentage of homosexuals in the Camps was comparably low. After the beginning of the war, especially from 1942/43 on, their numbers increased significantly. The sources are very thin for most have been destroyed.  _

_ During their daily routine, gay prisoners had to face extraordinarily hard existences, brutal terror and selective murder by the SS. Usually, they would be ordered to the hardest work commands in order to the cliché that rigid work would ‘drive out’ their sexuality. The percentage of dying homosexuals was, compared to their absolute numbers, much higher than among most prisoners. A survivor described that ‘in Camp hierarchy, they were the lowest cast’. Next to homosexuality, there was rape, abuse amongst the prisoners due to sexual ‘emergency’, but also intercourse for favors or help, especially with those holding higher functions in the Camp hierarchy,  _

_ Homosexuals were subjected to the terror of the SS, the ‘destruction by work’ and the stigmatization as social outsiders. […] Also, homosexuals would become victims to SS-medics. Next to forced castration and sterilization, they were included into several hormonal and other medical experiments. There were experiments with typhus in the isolation block, surrounded by double barbwire. In Buchenwald, they burnt people with firebomb mass, others would be infected with yellow fever, pox, cholera, diphtheria, war gas toxins or poisoned munitions; furthermore they tested wasted blood reserves.” _

Will raises his head, tears streaming down his face again. “These…these medics…W-were these SS-medics real doctors?”, he asks and Anna simply nods.

“Yes Will, I fear the SS-doctors were studied, trained medics and all of them knew the Hippocratic Oath. Nevertheless they did their terrible experiments and studies and some of their results were and are still used in modern medicine.” Will looks at her, open-mouthed and eyes wide. “What?”

“Just a few examples that are _supposed_ to have at least a bit benefited from these inhuman atrocities: Ambulant sterilization, brain anatomy and researches about brain rare brain diseases, test series on sulfonamides and antibiotics, anatomic studies in several universities, hypothermia and air pressure studies, drug and vaccine testing for pharmaceutical groups …I admit, the majority of what these people did was just senseless, cruel and absolutely bestial torture but a few things…”, she trails off with a sad hint in her voice and, with a sudden inspiration, hugs the sobbing blonde tightly.

“Will, I know it’s hard to believe things like that and for a healer, it must be close to devastating for you to hear about these events…”

“Devastating?!”, he whines aloud. “Just to imagine that that very dissecting table in the tiled room was used to...” He sobs into his hands but starts anew. “The instruments in the glass cabinet…those were…” Nico, who has been absolutely quiet the whole time since they reached the memorial stone for the homosexuals, knows why the blonde is unable to finish his sentence. He, too, wondered about the random collection of sharp pincers, axes, hatchets, saws, syringes etc. in the so-called ‘pathological department’. Of course, they wouldn’t simply be used on dead bodies. He tries to comfort Will.

“Humans are mean, I told you this much over and over. It’s not the monsters we should worry about the most.” Will shakes his head. “I refuse to accept that as a general belief. The things that happened here during the War…how could the Germans do such a thing?”

Anna tilts her head. “This is not a typical German phenomenon, boy.”, she explains. “Listen. Due to my researches and studies, I became sort of an expert on torture, genocide, violent exploitation and creative killing. I  _ know _ things…” She looks at Nico. “I wouldn’t go as far to imply humans as ‘mean’ in general – but nearly everyone has a certain…potential.” Will still looks absolutely blocked in his opinion, so the therapist whispers:

“Do you know what the Belgium king did in _Congo Free State_ at the end of the 19 th century? Do you know what happened during _Holodomor_ in the 1930’s? Have you any idea what the _Khmers rouges_ did in the seventies to the Cambodian people, what happened in the _Burundian Genocide_? You already know what was done to the _Native Americans_ – there are hundreds of examples that show how cruel, inhuman and cold people can behave towards each other. Take the _Conquest of the Desert_ in Argentina, the massacre of Haiti at the beginning of the 19 th century, the building of the _Great Wall_ in China – it doesn’t even have to be an intended genocide to extinguish thousands of people…There’s a never-ending depth of human malignity.

She shots an apologizing look at Will, who’s shaking from trying to cry in silence. Nico hugs him tightly and pats his back. The son of Apollo looks at the unreadable expression in his face and gulps.

“Sorry, I’m really trying to get a grip.”, he apologizes but the other boys shushes him. “Don’t be stupid, Will, I wish I could let out my emotions like that. I really wish I was as innocent and trustful to be shocked by all of this. Unfortunately, I’ve seen the Fields of Punishment and its inhabitants; I’ve heard nearly all of their stories – recent and old history. Anna is right when she speaks of the never-ending depths of human malignity, you know.”, he whispers.

Anna sighs at his confirmation. She sounds so weary and so sad. “I think it’s time to leave the Camp and sit a bit before we start that sort of discussion. You need time to calm down and think, boys.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter has challenged me in so many ways. I cannot even tell you how much more terrible things I could've written down but I don't think it would have done any good to go even further into detail. 
> 
> What I want to say is that homosexuality in Concentration Camps is a very important topic (I might take that on again in a later chapter - yes, there are a few more to come) and barely investigated; since it was still forbidden in Germany after WWII, no one dared to talk about. Later, many people had died before ever having attested their time a 'prisoner with the pink triangle'. 
> 
>  
> 
> I'd like to give my readers some sources - English ones if you're interested to investigate further, Germans from the translation - I hope I've done these well enough:
> 
>  
> 
> English Sources:            
> \- http://legacy.fordham.edu/halsall/pwh/steakley-nazis.asp  
> \- Giles, Geoffrey J. "'The Most Unkindest Cut of All': Castration, Homosexuality and Nazi Justice," Journal of Contemporary History, vol. 27 (1992): pp. 41–61.  
> \- The Pink Triangle: The Nazi War Against Homosexuals by Richard Plant
> 
> German Sources:          
> \- http://www.joerg-hutter.de/auschwitz.htm#Zeugnisse  
> \- https://www.buchenwald.de/fileadmin/buchenwald/download/wissenschaftliche_beitraege/BI_Homosexuelle_Roell.pdf
> 
>  
> 
> I hope I didn't overdo this or made it too boring or too shocking for you. Let me know what you think of this chapter, please.


	6. Reasons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.
> 
> The following chapter is all about psychological information and background. It might seem a little boring or irrelevant first, but for Nico and Will, I think, it is absolutely necessary to understand these things. This chapter makes no claim to being complete and is of course no substitute for real lecture on the topic. I really tried to make this both as understandable, verifiable and transparant as possible and I hope I did as least reasonably well...

 

**Will’s POV**

 

They are silent when they have their tea and they are silent when they are back in the car. After more than half an hour of driving, Will can’t stand his inner tension any longer and asks the question that’s been in his head from the moment Anna told them about Concentration Camps.

“What I still don’t understand is” he says and looks down into his lap. “how can things like that happen anyway? And how could they make it happen in this extent?”

And so, moving at 120 mph, Anna begins another lecture.

“I’ll try to break down some psychological basics to make an attempt of an explanation. Not a justification, of course not, just a possible approach onto the topic of what could make humans behave inhumanly. You must understand that many factors need to concur to enable people to do so, even if they technically are mentally healthy. Humans do not want to behave antisocially _per se_ ; we are, intrinsically, social beings. At least, if we believe psychologists like William Glasser. Unfortunately, our brains are not able to work their way through complicated systems and tasks on a permanent basis, so they’re forced to simplify things and _that’s_ where many wicked deeds creep their way into our minds…”

Will reaches out for the comfort of Nico’s hands. They are cold but that is just the anchor he’s in desperate need of to survive another trip down the nerve-wrecking human brain. The son of Hades presses his lips on the tanned fingers in his icy palms and offers a sad smile.

Anna hesitates for one moment like collecting her thoughts and then starts. “You need to understand five basic things that influence our behavior and decisions in terms of violence aside from a destructive educational background or violence or a trauma or a brain damage.

**First, there’s conscience.**

To even realize that something is right or wrong, you need to develop a sense of morale. Lawrence Kohlberg for instance created a theory about humans learning morale in six different stadiums – at first they’re told what to do by punishment or rewards, later they learn what and what not the society expects of them and in the end, people should be able to follow an autonomic conscience with universal ethical principles. A German philosopher, Immanuel Kant, demanded that kind of behavior centuries ago.” She rolls her eyes at that, like wanting to say: _Naturally, no one listened to a philosopher._

“Well, imagine that many people are stuck in the initial stages of obedience all their lives, never being educated or enlightened enough to go further. And imagine how oppressive education was back in the beginning of the 20th century. What would you think the rank and file was able to understand about right and wrong behavior aside from what their authorities told them was right or wrong?”

Nico bites his lower lip and turns his head from side to side. Will guesses that Anna’s words remind him of himself – all alone with only leftovers of an antiquated education, how was he supposed to think and feel about everything if not through the veil of prejudice and misinformation? The healer can nearly hear his significant other asking himself in silence: _Have I ever distinguished between what’s my own opinion and what’s my acquired one?_ Then again, if Will would ask himself the same question – what would his answer be?

“So you are saying that people that are unable to develop their own morale will do just anything without question as long as someone tells them to?”, Will demands.

Anna shakes her head. “No. It will take more than that. They simply might follow orders more willingly if they have no reason to believe otherwise. That leads us to number two:

**Conformity.**

People urge to belong. Being part of a society, of a group, of a religion or anything is easier when your opinions and perceptions accord with those of the others. Even a small group can easily influence a majority. Psychologists like Solomon Ash, Muzafer Sherif or Serge Moscovici have researched that. Of course, the cultural climate of individuality versus collectivism and other factors influence that gravely, but still: Conformity can evoke an enormous social pressure to do – well, many things.”

Anna chews her lips. “You also have to consider that morale itself is quite fluid. If the standards you orientate your own morale scale to are shifting bit by bit without people noticing but adjusting, they will follow a development towards cruelty without even being aware of.”

Will interrupts her. “This sounds a lot like the ‘Boiling frog’-metaphor.”

The therapist nods. “I agree. The message is quite the same. Gradual changes are less likely be remarked and complained about than grave ones.” Will nods and so does Nico, but stays in uncomfortable silence. All this knowledge is as endearing as terrifying and none of them will probably be able to even close an eye tonight without wondering how much of this refers to their own lives and experiences?

“Let’s continue with **number three: Attributes**.” Anna holds up three raised fingers.

“I already told you, our brains like easy connections and contexts. That’s why we tend to believe that the world we live in is, in general, a just one even if it is not. We’re told from the beginning to behave, to work hard and to be patient and nice to get a reward later. It would peril our cognition if we had to accept the fact that, no matter how hard we work, there won’t be any benefit. Melvin Lerner showed in his studies that humans tend to accuse the victims of a crime, homeless or murdered people to have ‘deserved’ their fate by their behavior – because it is easier for the human brain to believe that rather than the reality of random violence.”

Will shakes his head and he knows by the looks he gets that Nico can tell he is fighting really hard to acknowledge this piece of information but cannot resist the truth in Anna’s words. She doesn’t expect them to simply believe her; she even gives them studies and names that stand evidence for her words. Nico lean closer and whispers that he already dreads the last two basics. So does the healer.

“ **Four: Obedience** ”, Anna continues and even for her standards, her face is serious now.

“If told by a noticed and acknowledged authority, people are likely to be obedient even against their own ethic values. In an experiment in 1961, Stanley Milgram wanted to find out if there was any truth in what a former SS-member had told him: That he had ‘just followed orders’.” She sighs.

_Oh dear. What kind of experiment would that be if he wants people to act against their own morale?_

“Milgram put his participants in a room with a supervisor and an insider who played the student. The participants were to ask questions and punish the student with electric shocks in case of a wrong answer. The voltage was to increase. Of course, that’s only what the participant thought. In reality, the ‘student’ was never harmed; he just was to act as if. The teacher pressured the participants to continue, first in a polite way, later with talking about the inevitability of the situation and promised to take full responsibility for any sort of outcome.

Well, long story short, in the first experiment nearly two-quarters of the participants went to the maximum of 450-volts three times in a row. Despite the screams and the ‘collapse’ of the student. Just because they were told so.”

Will gasps during her words and looks at Anna with horror. “But that’s a deadly dose of electricity! Did they even try to NOT do it?”

“Oh yes, they fought against it. Nearly all of them told the supervisor to stop this, they showed body reactions of huge distress and everything; but in the end, only 35 per cent refused to go on after around 300 Volt.” She briefly lifts her eyes off the street and looks at Nico as if to challenge him. “The experiment was repeated several times in different contexts with different cultures and genders, ages et cetera. The result stayed the same: With slowly shifting levels of cruelty and under the influence of an authority, nearly everyone can turn into something really bad.”

Nico’s hands start to shake and he gulps audibly. Will rubs his arm as he always does when he's not sure if any other touch would be appreciated. “What’s with the authorities themselves?”, Nico wants to know in a quiet voice. “They were the ones to order the soldiers and guards around. Were they all psychopaths, then?”

It feels so wrong that they are discussing such terror on a beautiful day of spring, below a sky as blue as Will’s eyes. Anna takes one more deep breath and answers his question with the fifth part: “No. There are always **circumstances.**

Milgrim’s experiment was discusses very controversially. Philip Zimbardo tried to find an answer to exactly your question, Nico: ‘What happens if ordinary people are brought into an extreme and ideologically loaded context and are given unlimited power over others?’ In 1971, during a voluntary experiment, he put 24 absolutely random people in either prisoner’s clothes or guard uniforms and settled them in a fake prison. The guards had to sustain order at any cost. That was the only order they got. They were given absolute authority and they…used it.”

Her eyes are back from the distance, now and re-focus. “After three days, the first prisoner needed to be released because of stress reactions. This is an experiment that actually was stopped after just six days because violence and psychological cruelty went overboard.”, Anna explains gravely. “The guards had transformed into torturers within days, their boredom brought cruel games and mortifying rites to the ‘prisoners’. They simply had forgotten that these people were human beings with the exact same rights as themselves. Or maybe they simply had stopped to care.”

“So everyone can just snap into a murderer and torturer? Just like that? Is there a little psycho slumbering in each of us? That's what you're saying, isn't it?”, Will barks out, unable to repress his anger and fear. How much of this have they witnessed already during the wars and fights and quests? All those monstrosities – mythological and human ones – wasn't there any good in the world?

“Will, that's not at all what I'm saying. I wanted to make you see that there's a difference between bad people and people in bad circumstances... Both can behave terribly but no one is cursed and subdued to that. We always have a choice and once they're aware, most people at least _try_ to do the right thing or, well, not to cause any harm.” _Why couldn't they try harder, then?_

“All of these discoveries are, of course, no justification for the crimes the guards of the camps committed. Some of them really were sociopaths, they were vicious, inhuman monsters filled with hatred and bitterness. Some of them were even demigods: children of Orcus, Phobos and Deimos, Nyx, et cetera.” Nico shivers again next to him – he would be able to estimate these characters best, of course, having met the darkest deities in the darkest abyss himself. _Whatever their children are like, I do NOT want to meet them._

“But we shouldn't force all the blame on the SS.”, Anna interrupts his thoughts. “More important is the fact that the camps and their existence did not meet more resistance: Terror and indifference. It's a deadly combination. If they don't _have_ to look, if they're not forced to deal with something, many turn away your eyes. When the U.S. infantry came and forced the whole population of Weimar to come to the Camp, to see the dead with their own eyes and to clean up the place alongside with the still dying prisoners...They filmed them, you know. You cannot imagine how shocked they were, women crying desperately and covering their eyes, men that fainted, sobbing grandfathers. Many of the city's inhabitants cried, went nearly crazy, showed all signs of PTSD and all of them said the same thing: 'I didn't know this.'”

Will snorts. “Hundreds and thousands of camps everywhere in Germany and Europe and no one knew?“

“Oh, they did know about the camps and the prisoners. But only a few asked what would happen to them and fewer even cared during times of war.”

Nico, too, exhales through his nose disdainfully. “Was there no one to stand up and fight?”

“Of course there were! There were more than a few who tried to shake people up and to undermine the NS system. Most of those who tried to help were caught and executed. The Nazis were great at breaking resistance and a public atmosphere of fear. People tried to save their families and themselves, not others.” Nothing follows these words for a long time.

When they are back in Berlin, sitting in the now surreal-seeming comfort of the roof-deck garden, Anna mutters. ”Thinking back to what happened here and what the Germans did let happen....we're still guiltily – a collective guilt that affects us all. Some tried to forget but I think it's for the best that we'll always be reminded of this. And each and every one to know these thing should never be indifferent again.“ Anna's eyes are not wet though she looks slightly shaking and her voice sounds teary.

“I'm sorry. I always think that I should be able to handle this more professionally after all those years.“, she whispers to them.

Nico lightly touches her arm. He looks both apologetic and accusing. “Anna? Please, I want to know it right now: What exactly happened to my family? Why did we leave? Please, you've been avoiding that question all the time since we came here.“

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for each kudos and comment!


	7. Revenge and remorse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own the characters and their background stories. They belong to Rick Riordan. I just want to write my ideas of the characters' development.

 

**Nico’s POV**

 

He’s been waiting long enough. He now knows what everything was about, back then; he knows the terror and the politics, he knows about his siblings and everything else. What he doesn’t know is what exactly happened to his loved ones and why.

So Nico of course sounds quite impatient, even after everything they've been through today. Anna gives a short nod at his demand and bites her lip. Between her eyes, a small line appears and deepens as she speaks.

“You are right. It’s time to tell you. I am sorry it took so long to get here when this is the real reason for your visit in Germany. First of all, the old man said your family was deported, because they were Jewish. I highly doubt that that’s the real reason. In Italy, people weren’t persecuted _that_ harshly, even when the National socialists came. In my opinion, his influence as a diplomat and his political connections to Washington were probably just too good for his opponents. I think they feared he could collaborate with the enemy or something. Also, if that would’ve been the case, it was only logical to the Nazis that his betrayal would include his whole family and it probably didn’t help that all of his children spoke fluent English. Of course, there was most likely no proof for any sort of ‘crime’, so they had to be _creative_ and, well, came up with the Jewish ancestry.”

She sounds only the slightest bit unsure to Nico, but he's too experienced in trying to retract information out of people: she is holding back something important. To him it seems like she’s feeding him a lie, because there’s a hidden truth that she wants to protect him from. Nico decides he wants to wait for her to continue first, eager for all the information she'll give voluntarily, before he decides to grill her further.

“It was impossible to find out where exactly your family died; their path ends in Concentration Camp Bergen-Belsen. They were persecuted and imprisoned because your grandfather was a man of influence, intelligence and understanding. They were all brought to Germany; that much we know. Maybe they were killed right there in Bergen-Belsen, maybe they were deported elsewhere – we cannot be sure.”

Anna stays silent now, nervously so, and Nico tries to deflate his anger. Yes, she definetely hides something from him.

“Seriously, Anna?” Will, who sits next to him, slightly jumps at the accusal in his voice and nearly slips on the suddenly icy ground. Nico's anger must float out of him like mist on a cold morning in fall. “Did you honestly think that I would settle for such a washed-out bedtime story? You’re hiding something. There’s more, something you or my father are trying to keep from me. I want to hear it all. I deserve the whole truth, don't you think?”

Anna exhales through her nose, the tiniest hint of insult hidden in the sound, but her words sound more apologetic than anything else.

“I wish you would not ask me to tell you this, Nico. Your father does not like the idea of you being aware of this, either.” She hesitates. “But, well, obviously there’s no point keeping you in the dark, anyways.”

Now, the tension has risen. Nico can feel it, a dark secret's in the air and Anna wants nothing less than sharing it. What could possibly make her this uneasy? He gulps and Will’s fingers caress the back of his hand, whispering “I’m right here. I’m with you.”

“Your family was slurred.”, Anna admits. “Another demigod had taken notice in you and your sister and wanted to gain power by blackmailing your father. When you were gone, he was desperate that his plan had failed. He wanted to take out his anger on your family instead. He fed the authorities with lies and at some point, they must've believed him. So they went for the whole di Angelo family. After their deaths, _his_ godly parent came to see your father and admitted that one of his own children had been responsible for their killings.” Her gaze does not meet his eyes but travels through the room. Thin layers of ice cover most of the surfaces and their breaths starts to show in the air.

Nico clutches Will’s hand for dear life now and the healer presses back just as eagerly. “Who was it? Which god was the father?”

Anna hesitates again and looks up, she now shows even more resistence  than before. “Nico, I don’t know if it is a good idea to tell you everything. You might not be able to cope with this kind of truth.”, she says with insistence.

Despite the dread that settles in Nico’s stomach, he pressures her to reveal the name. He already has a terrible suspicion. His instincts tell him that, after knowing whatever she hides, he might long for a bathe in Lethe again.

The psychologist simply sighs wearily and whispers in her clearest voice. “You see, the coincidence was really unforeseen. Maybe the Fates decided to intervene or maybe even Eris herself thought it was time to settle the score...”, she muses and goes on. “Still, it is remarkable that a child of _Orcus_ destroyed your family and, more than 70 years later, you encounter someone right from the very same parentage – on both the godly and the mortal side...“

“What? No!“ Nico shouts in desperation but Will simply asks: “Bryce Lawrence?“

Anna nods gravely. “His grand-father had been sent to Italy long before Hitler and Mussolini even started working together. Officially he his mission was to ‘find out how the land lies’. I guess Hitler searched for new demigod recruits to strengthen his lines. The man found you, but did not tell anyone first since he wanted to use you against your father. You left the country for a completely different reason than being persecuted by another demigod – remember, you were threatened by both gods and mortals. But when this plan failed, he wanted blood and revenge. There are even rumors that he tried to follow your family to Germany and applied for a post in the Death’s Head Unit of the SS to be able to…well, witness their deaths.

 _No, no, no, no no, no, no - Non può essere v_ _ero! Questo non può essere vero.._ _._

Anna does not stop her story over his and Will's distressed expressions. “He and his family fled in 1945 and they were able to hide in the States as were many culprits. They got a new identity and new names and sent their children to New Rome for safety. Since World War II was basically a fight between Greek deities and their legacies, not Roman, their camouflage was never uncovered by them. And the Lawrences played their parts as innocent refugees quite well.“

As soon as she is silent, some of Bryce’s words creep their way into Nico’s tormented memory.

_‘I’ve heard the screams in the Field of Punishment firsthand. They’re music to my ears.’_

_‘Personally, I like a good massacre…’_

_‘I hope they’ll execute you in the ancient way – sewn in a sack with a rapid dog, then thrown into a river. I’ve always wanted to see that.’_

He wants to scream again at the mere idea that the ancestors of this scum of a demigod were able to tear his family apart and are responsible for their deaths. Nico feels all the grudges and all his hatred rising within him anew – cold anger pierces his insides and the meaning of the word _vendetta_ is now obvious to him, for the first time. But then he remembers his own ruthless actions towards the boy and all the former dreadful emotion evaporate in favor of blind agony.

_‘Please!’_

_That word didn’t make sense to Nico. The Underworld had no mercy. It had only justice._

_‘You’re already dead. You’re a ghost with no tongue, no memory. You won’t be sharing any secrets.’_

Nico's thoughts are running wild now. Everything in him had hoped for any sort of reasoning all the time since he committed the worst misuse of his powers. Now, here in faraway Germany, all the reasons are handed over to him on a silver platter; and he feels nothing but blind and unyielding antagonism. The son of Hades tries to fight a panic attack. He gasps for air, his vision blurry. Will and Anna are by his side immediately, trying to calm him down. The healer’s arms encircle him from behind and he murmurs soothing words into his ear. The frozen plants in a 10-feet-radius now wither completely and suddenly the skeletons of some small birds and mice surround the three of them. The young Italian breathes hard through his nose and finally manages to regain his composure. His rage, on the other hand, stays quite the same. _How dare she calling this a settling of the score? There's no score, there was nothing to be balanced...It was WRONG!_ In his rage he barks at the therapist.

“So you're saying 'an eye for an eye'?“

Anna raises her eyebrows, utterly unimpressed by his tone as well as the surrounding desertification. “What do you mean?“

Her question only fuels Nico's wrath. “Is that supposed to console me? 'Maybe even Eris herself thought it was time to settle the score'.", he quotes her and frees himself from the healer's embrace to gesture around. “Should I find comfort in the fact that I basically revenged my family by obliterating Bryce? Is this some sick sort of justification?“

“What? Nico, no -“

“Because it isn't!”, he interrupts. “A murder stays a murder no matter the circumstances. All the killing and the fighting; it's never right, no one can legitimize...“

Anna stops him right there. “Nico, I was merely talking of this as a coincidence. I would never support vigilantism. And I would never suggest that you killing him was a well-deserved ending or whatever. The circumstances of his death and theirs are absolutely in-comparable. Why do you think we went to visit a former Concentration Camp? Why do you think I told you all that stuff before?” He stays silent and kneads his pale hands until Will takes them back in his.

Anna is standing right in front of them now, her eyes locked with Nico's. “All I wanted to achieve today was to make _you_ understand that it is not simply our parentage that defines our true nature. Our self is affected by so many influences that we can merely understand even a part of it.” Her hand touches his shoulder, but only just, as if testing if he is still comfortable with her doing this. “You are not simply a son of Hades or a dark fighter or a homosexual, you are not only a born Italian, a time-traveler or a survivor of war – all these things are part of you but they do not define you in all your facets. You are not, and never were, a victim, Nico! The past may have influenced your life and your character, but much more have your choices.”

The young Italian looks at her, puzzled and uncomprehending. Fortunetaly, Will is there again, catching up for both of them. “So, the real purpose here was to show that it doesn't take a son of Hades for cruelty. And even if there have been very terrible children of the Underworld, that doesn't necessarily mean they all are like that...because they still have a choice.”, he summarizes and Anna smiles at him. “Exactly.”

Nico shakes his head. “That's all very fine and good in theory but where's the proof that I of all people are the exception?” It sounds desperate.

Four eyes and one question are on him: _Are you kidding me?_ Will's face shows most clearly that he would like to pummel some reason into that thick black-haired head. Fortunately for Nico, the therapist answers with her typical patience and empathy, if slightly annoyed.

“As I was saying: All the bad things that could’ve made you a monster and a fiend, all the burdens you had to take on and all the horrors, fears and anxieties you faced did not – as they would presumably have done with nearly everyone else – turn you into a bad person. They rather fueled your intention to use your dark powers for a higher purpose. Are you even aware that, by using them against Bryce – darkness versus darkness – you saved the world? I am not talking about revenge here, but about salvation.” She pauses for a moment so the message can sink in.

“Naturally, you feel remorse for what happened; you are not a psychopath! But that remorse should never stop you from being aware that you are a hero through and through, Nico.”, she says with pride and goes on. “I don't think you are able to see yourself clearly. Do you remember what I said earlier, Nico? About how people become inhuman in their behavior? The more diverse, participate, colorful, prosperous and open a society, a family and a system is, the lesser of its participants tend to behave anti-social. Now look at your past and how many of these factors occurred.” _Well_ , he thinks, _well...maybe when Bianca was still alive...?_ All in all, there's not a lot diversity or participation or tolerance whatsoever in his life, he establishes. _  
_

Anna reads his thoughts. “Exactly. You have faced nearly everything that is destined to make a person bad and you still didn't go that way, regardless your godly parentage. And, on the other hand, there are thousands, millions of people for which those things are a given. And still, do you think at least people in our occidental world are as open-minded as they could be? As understanding and tolerant? Try to answer these questions for other parts of the world and take a look around: How many things happen out there that are neither right nor morale? Then ask yourself again about a proof that you, Nico, are not only a hero but a good person...”

Nico realizes he's crying when he feels Will wiping away his tears with his thumbs. The blue eyes are shining just as wetly. Anna leaves them shortly afterwards to not disturb them. The rest of the evening belongs to the two boys alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, another chapter filled with psycholgical topics. The next (and last) one will be a bit less filled with heaviness. Hope you like it.


	8. Finally be yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been more than one month! I'm really sorry that it took me so long to finally end this story. Well, I guess sometimes life interferes with your plans....So, here's the end of this story. And sorry again that it took me so long to finish it.

**Nico’s POV**

 

They stay silent for a very long time. Neither Will nor Nico feel the urge to communicate, to move, to even wrap their minds around how much they struggle with all of this new knowledge. Even during dinner (Anna sends them to the roof garden, where a formidable three-course menu awaited them) there's silence nearly all the time. It's only when they lie next to each other, Will's arms around him, under the secure warmth of a blanket, that Nico starts to process even a bit of what happened. After what seems like an eternity of quietness, Will starts talking.

“Hey, babe, are you awake?” The healer sounds tense, but Nico knows that's only because he's aware of his boyfriends‘ anxiety.

He groans his answer. “Of course. Why d'you even ask?”

Will ignores that. “I figured you wouldn't be able to even close one eye tonight, and I thought you maybe would like to talk about it. A sorrow shared is a sorrow halved or something. It's totally okay if you don't, though. It's been a lot...”

“Yeah”, Nico repeats. “It’s been a lot.”

Will presses a soft kiss in his neck. He waits for him to snap, Nico thinks. And he senses that the healer is right – his sadness and anger and frustration are right there, ready to be set free, ready to crush him. But he refuses to give in, for some reason, and Will can feel that, too. “Hey, I know you better than anyone, right?”, he asks.

“Yeah.”

“And I'm probably right when I say that it would be no sign of weakness or effeminacy if you'd cry right now, right? I guess everyone would in that situation. I already did my share in the shower, you know.”, he tries to mildly joke.

Nico chuckles a bit before he swallows hard. Those warm arms around him are so inviting. He wants to simply let go and be weak tonight but then again...

“It feels wrong to cry. I don't _want_ to have a breakdown over it. Of course it's terrible what happened to them and I'll always mourn them as well as Bianca. But, the thing with the Orcus offspring...if I waste my tears to that I’d feel like there's never gonna be an end of it.”

Will makes a noise of inquiry. “I don't think I can quite follow you.”, he states hesitantly.

“We're demigods. Our whole _world_ is cruel and unjust.“, Nico explains “If I start now to whine about that, I would have to go on and on about everything bad that's ever happened to every other young demigod. Most of them suffer and die young, many have to endure terrible pain and torture and the gods don't even care. That son of Orcus might have plAnnad something...something like an _azione puniziva_ -”

“Pardon?”

“- vengeance.”, he translates impatiently. “Maybe he plAnnad some kind of war against the gods like Luke did. Maybe he tried to fulfill a mission for another deity or...I don't know. Whatever reason he had, I don't want to mope around because life's been so awfully unfair to me of all people and –“

He hears Will shaking his head. “Gods, of course!”, he whisper-shouts. “Only you would find a way to make yourself in mourning sound like a spoiled brat! Seriously, I didn't mean you should cry because your life is so unfair – even though it would be totally true – or because you've had to face so many bad things – which would also be true – , but because you are sad about them gone. Or maybe because you hate the thought of innocent people dying. Or because you are overwhelmed with everything we learned today. Sounds like a perfectly good enough reason for me.”

Nico considers that but Will isn't done scolding him yet. “We both know that you'd never waste your tears on selfish reasons. But this is different: Grief is not selfish. You're being too hard on yourself again if you deny yourself to mourn properly. Please, Nico, there’s no need to suppress anything.”

There’s a small tear in the corner of Nico’s eye right now. “I’m scared to grieve, Will.”, he admits. “My fatal flaw is holding grudges and I still remember what happened when I grieved Bianca’s loss. I…you can’t understand what such things do to me. I mean, at some point, I would’ve sacrificed everyone and everything to get her back OR to get my revenge. I was…so lonely and determined to hate.” A small sob escapes his lips and the blonde holds him even tighter. “I couldn’t think of anything else besides that. Sometimes I still feel like that angry eleven-year-old that blames the world. I don’t want to ever feel helpless like that again.”, he says with a hoarse voice that sounds only the slightest bit tearstained.

“I understand.”, Will soothes. “You don’t have to. I doubt that you would ever get lost in your fatal flaw again like that, but I understand. You’re a very strong person”, he praises “and I am so proud of you. You’ve come a long way since then.” When Will kisses the back of his hand, the tears are finally streaking down Nico’s cheeks. Fortunately, the son of Apollo doesn’t comment in any way and simply lets the black-haired boy let out his emotions. The healer softly caresses Nico’s back, holds and kisses his hands and whispers calming words into his ears.

As soon as Will feels that the worst is over, he kisses the salty remains off Nico’s face. “I wish it had been easier for you.”, he sighs.

“What? Learning about my family? I don't think there would have been an easy way to tell me at all.”, Nico whispers back but Will hums in disagreement. “No, I meant learning that you are a wonderful person and not doomed to be bad.”

“Oh.” He stays stubbornly quiet but the other boy doesn't accept his silence this time. “Nico, I mean it. I've been trying forever to make you see reason but I guess Anna's, well, slightly more forceful way and her logic were the only things to get through your dense head.”

“Hey, if that's your version of an encouragement talk, it's not working. Like, at all.”, is the grumpy answer and, for the first time today, Will laughs a little. “Yeah, I know, but I wasn't trying to cheer you up.”

“So?”

He gets a light shove against his shoulder. “I'm trying to praise you, you fool.”

“I'm not a dog.”

The son of Apollo clicks his tongue. “Maybe, but you’d look so hot on all fours...”

“WILL!”

Nico hears how the blonde grins. His teeth are probably shining in the semi-darkness of the room. “Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood. I’m downright enlightening, so to say.”

Shaking his head, the young Italian fails to cover his chuckle. ”You’re such a dork.” Maybe his Sunshine is right. Maybe trying to _lighten the mood_ and leave the past where it belongs _is_ the healthier approach towards all of this. There's no good in brooding or grudging, he already knows that for sure. But how in Olympus is he supposed to see the silver lining in all this? There's been so much pain and awful coincidences to just move on. That’s what he tells Will.

“Considering the fact that _you are_ from the past and most parts of the past highly influenced your present life, it’s not exactly easy to let it go, I guess.”, he answers. “Why trying to suppress it, anyways? Moving on simply means that whatever happened is not stopping you from living your life. And, in my most humble opinion, you’ve done a good job so far. With a little help from your _significant other_ , of course.”

Nico sends a hidden smile into the darkness of their room. “My _significant annoyance_ might be right about that, you know.” Here they are, he thinks, two teenage boys with expert knowledge of having the weight of the world on their shoulders, with all the traumata and anxieties others experience in a lifetime, and then some, but they carry on.

With a sigh he goes on. “I still feel like a traitor towards my family. All of them died when I could’ve been the only one, you know. Sometimes I think it would’ve been decent to at least have died along with them. Or Bianca. It’s so wrong that I get to live…”

Will turns him around and brushes his hair behind his ear. He doesn’t say anything, but his blue eyes are _so_ sincere and Nico hopes that he won’t be able to see him blush at the little romantic gesture. The room is illuminated enough for them to make out each other’s expression and the gleam in their eyes and that’s just perfect, he decides. “Thank you, you know. For being there. I still always fear that, one day, you realize I’m not worth all the effort and care you give to me.”, he confesses.

Will shuffles and lifts himself halfway up his elbow. “Nico, love, I know that we are not the most romantic couple and that’s just fine with me.”, he reassures. “We decided long ago to not make things too cheesy, but that does NOT mean that I’m not absolutely crazy for you. There’s nothing I want more than being with you and there’s nothing in this world or in another that’s going to change the fact that, without you, I feel incomplete and ripped apart. You’re my missing puzzle piece.”

He kisses his lips with the desperate adoration of a near-drowning man that reaches the sheltering island. Nico shudders. Will’s words make him feel so wonderfully loved even though he didn’t say the ‘L’-word and there’s nothing he wants more than falling into the safe guard of his arms, now. And so he does. They keep kissing and sighing into each other’s’ mouths until becoming fully aware of their mutual bodies’ reaction.

There is only a short hesitation when the healer’s fingers sneak their way into his shorts and pull them down. Nico is not sure if it might be wrong to feel aroused to this extent after so many disturbing revelations in one day. Then again, his body is so stressed to reach some sort of relief that he is left with no real choice. He helps Will to peel off both of their shirts and his boxers, too. His eyes, fully adjusted to the darkness, drink in Will’s features. The blonde pulls him close so his body is completely pressed against the warmth of his lover’s skin and a hushed moaning escapes Nico’s lips. The tAnnad fingers start to wander.

“Did I ever tell you how beautiful I find these little dimples on your back, right above your butt?”, Will whispers as his hands travel downwards. Nico feels his skin tingle as he blushes and sighs a soft “No.” at the question. Will clicks his tongue.

“Such a shame.” He shakes his head. “And did I mention how great it feels to touch these muscles you have on your sides?” Warmth spreads across his abdominal muscles, right where he is ticklish. “I don’t think so”, he answers in a restrained laughter.

“I really should have.”, Will murmurs seductively. “But tell me, have I mentioned how much I like to kiss the skin of you inner thighs, because it’s so soft and smooth?”

He doesn’t hesitate to move his lips down before Nico is even able to answer. “No, but you’re really making it up to me right now.”, he sighs in pleasure and gasps when those wonderful lips wrap around him in the darkness. Will’s head emerges once more, though.

“Then there’s only one question left: Did I ever share how hot it feels to be side by side with you, feeling you against me, and touching both of us so we can finish off together?”

The young Italian is not even able to tell Will, no, he hasn’t, because that’s exactly what he is doing right now. The night is filled with their moans and sharp gasps before they finally manage to drift into a fitful sleep.

 _____________

The next morning, Nico awakens with a start. It’s still odd for him to now have all the knowledge he’s been asking for so long. He shortly considers talking to his father about it, but decides against it. _Really, it wouldn’t do any good_ , he thinks to himself.

Since Will’s still fast asleep – it’s been a short night –, he goes to see Anna and finds her in the kitchen, preparing breakfast. She offers a small smile that looks slightly conscience-stricken.

“Sleep well?”

“Took me some time to fall asleep, but aside from that...alright, I guess. I still feel strange. And guilty, so to say.”, he admits.

Anna seems to understand. “Yeah, survivors’ guilt is hard to get rid of, you know. In time, though, I am quite certain that you will be able to let go.” The psychologist sounds sincere and he’s nearly willing to believe her. “There’s still something bothering you.” It’s not a question. _She really knows her job_ , he thinks.

“It’s just, I mean, maybe it might’ve helped to see my childhood home – if it’s still there or to go to the Italian camp where they were for sure or…I don’t know. All of this still feels slightly impersonal.”, he tells her.

Anna offers him a plate with food. “You are wondering why you were sent to Germany rather than Italy?”, she summarizes. “Can you think of a reason for it?”

He dully nods. “Maybe they don’t have memorials like that?”

For a short time, Anna’s features are glowing in the beauty of a dry smile. “The visit of the memorial was basically to give you something physically understandable towards the whole topic. I doubt the message would’ve sunken in if I had just told you about everything during a nice coffee party with cookies and cream.” Nico has to give her a chuckle for that, even if it’s just a short one.

Anna continues. “There’s a difference between the Italian and German point of view on what happened during the Holocaust. I guess that’s because we Germans cannot hide behind arguments like ‘we were forced’ or ‘we didn’t know’ when there’s so much evidence showing oppositely. We have to face our collective guilt since the war stopped and have to ask ourselves ever since: If and how we are still historically responsible or guilty or at least convictable. I guess you were asking yourself the same questions considering your parentage and past?”

He agrees and she goes on. “See. I figured that this kind of atmosphere and environment would help you understand things much better than anything else. From my point of view, going to Germany was the only logical thing considering our heritage.”

That sounds strange. “What kind of heritage would that be?”

Her eyes find his. “A Legacy. We know that there’s no black-and-white view on guilt, cruelty or ill.” She takes a deep breath and says with the most earnest voice “It happens. There’s no turning back. No undoing it. The only opportunity you have is to learn from the past and develop an awakened conscience. Don’t punish yourself by holding grudges, especially not against yourself, Nico.” Her tone makes it clear that she is absolutely aware of what she’s implying.

He looks at her in surprise now. “You know about fatal flaws?”

Anna rolls her eyes. “Of course. Believe it or not, I did quite a bit of studying and research through the years. What I wanted to say is, that your fatal flaw could not only turn against others but also against yourself and as much as I know, it nearly killed you already.” _Again this disarming perception. How does she do this?_

Nico looks down. Her sharpness surprises him as well as her ability to seemingly understand his mind in every of its weird convolutions. But, strangely, there’s neither accuse nor pity in her voice. It feels like…sympathy? 

“Why do you know so much about self-conviction?”

Another dry smile appears. “Because, believe it or not, there is a reason for me to have chosen exactly this sort of job and professional specialization:” She bites her lip. “My family stood on the other side of the baton back then.”

 _No effing way!_ “Wait – s-so, you-you mean l-like…”

“Yes, my ancestors were guards in several concentration camps. Buchenwald is one of them.” She says it with in mixture of disgust and remorse, well-hidden by the forced calm of her face.

“Oh. I don’t know what to say right now. I’m…sorry?”, he stutters. Anna waves that aside. “You don’t have to give any reaction at all. I don’t need pity. Like I said: It happened. There’s no turning back. No avoiding it. I faced it and learned to live with demons. So will you.”

He has to admire her strength as well as her faith in him. “Are you really a mortal? It surely feels like there’s some bit of _Underworld_ in you.”, he says in mocking awe. Anna laughs. “Your father said something quite similar to me. I swear, if there’s any _Ichor_ in my veins, I know nothing about it. I’m proud to admit that all the sarcasm and rudeness is completely self-developed. But it has been admired, I daresay.”, she teases.

Her tone, her whole behavior…it bothers some other question in him, again. “And there really never was _something_ between you and my father?”, he asks. “You’re like, totally his type. And he can be convincing, if he wants to. At least I think that.”

Anna laughs out so loudly that Will must be awaken by now. And half of the building along with him. “For the gods’ sake, di Angelo, I am a lesbian!” Nico gulps, eyes huge. “I don’t go for dicks.”

Nico stares at her in disbelief. “You’re into girls? Like, a hundred percent only…I mean, yeah, that’s….erm…”

“– completely incomprehensible from your point of view since you think vaginas are disgusting.”, she finishes his sentence. “Don’t worry, I don’t plan on convincing you otherwise. But I have an advice for you, or sort of: Get out of the closet already!” This is the first time he sees her talking with her hands. It makes her look a lot less distinguished and more passionate.

She catches him off guard. Just again. “What do you mean by that? I’m totally out, I mean, I don’t do the PDA thing, but I’m not hiding anything, either.”, he mutters in defense.

Anna disagrees. “That doesn’t mean you’re ‘out’. Don’t you realize that the longer people like us, which is to say, gays, stay put, the longer it’s going to take everybody else to accept it?”, she asks him.

“Why do you tell me – I have a…I mean, I’m out and I am not single.”, he stutters.

“Oh yeah? You don’t even call him your boyfriend. You don’t display _any real_ affection in public; one could think you’re there randomly. I bet you usually keep your head down when he’s being romantic. I get it that you’re a closeted and introverted person but that just doesn’t count as officially ‘out’.”

“Just because I’m into boys doesn’t mean I have to wear bright colors and behave promiscuous in public!”, Nico bellows.

“No, but it’s no reason to behave so absolutely different from the heterosexual couples.”, she counters. “They DO kiss goodbye, the DO hold hands walking through the town, they hug and flirt and joke around each other basically everywhere. I’m not talking about changing who you are. You are dark and moody sometimes and a bit restrained and you like quite divergent stuff but that’s fine; it makes you special. You don’t have to change your personality into Will’s. But you can’t tell me that you like suppressing every bit of fun you two boys have until you’re alone.”

His head droops. “No, I guess I don’t. But people –“

“Do you really want other people’s prejudices and stupidities keep you from living your love? Admit it, you’re head over heels for the boy and even a blind can tell he feels the same for you.” Nico blushes deeply at her words and looks down. “Still, did you even tell him you love him? Like, in his face?”

His gaze still down, he murmurs “Once, after a fight when we had started dating. But we agreed that it was too early and that we didn’t want to, you know, jinx it or something. We decided to take our time and have until now. He didn’t say it, either, but I guess it’s just because he’s waiting for me to make the move first.” Last night is still so very vivid in his mind and he tries, and fails, to hide the heat that creeps its way into his features.

When he looks up again, he sees her nodding. “I guess that it is his way of letting things develop in the pace you are most comfortable with. Why haven’t you told him, then? Don’t you want him to know how vulnerable you feel around him? Or do you maybe still feel wrong for loving a man?”

The young Italian takes a deep breath. “Maybe a bit. I feel like I’m going to be judged no matter how comfortable I am and that some people will always find us disgusting and I don’t want to face that.”

Anna’s expression turns angry for the first time. “These people are bigot and narrow-minded no matter what! They will think bullshit until they’re forced to rethink.” _It’s funny_ , Nico muses, _she never swears that much when she’s in her ‘professional mode’_. “But, for that, we have to make them face their demons. If not, some would still think the earth is flat. So, if you want to do yourself and all the LGBT people in the world a favor, shove it in their faces. Do it like a good blowjob…”

Nico blushed furiously. “W-What?” 

“Come on, Nico, we both know you’d love to swear and talk dirty if your education hadn’t beaten that out of you when you were a child. But, believe me, you are farther away from being innocent than most adults, so, feel free! Swear, make up your own mind and _please_ , have the guts to do and take what you desire. You shouldn’t give a damn about what everybody else thinks! Really, Mr. di Angelo, get your ass out there to your hot boyfriend, kiss, make out and shove it all down their bigot throats until they’re gagging.”

The son of Hades couldn’t help but grin on the image. He doesn’t answer her, though, because that very moment, Will choses to finally join them for breakfast. Shortly after, their ride is expecting them for the journey home. Nico’s not sure how he will be looking back onto his trip to Germany.

A challenging experience? A therapeutic session? A lesson in life? An education in history? Meeting Anna, his fathers’ psychologist, has been all of this and more.

Anna winks and gives him a short but tight embrace when they part in the afternoon. “I expect you to be happy and behave dirty, sir. Feel free to contact me whenever you need someone to talk or to swear to.” And with that, she leaves him alone and hugs Will goodbye.

Her words have a lasting impression. Back in Austin, when they decide to stroll through the town for a late lunch (which is more likely breakfast due to the time difference), Nico takes Will’s hands and drags him closer. He tries not to care about the pedestrians around and gives him a long kiss, which the healer eagerly reciprocates after a short moment of shock.

He sighs happily and leans in until their foreheads touch. “Thank you. What was that for?”

 _Be brave._ “I love you, boyfriend.”

They won’t be whole over-night and there will be no fairy-godmother to magically make all their problems and fears disappear – but Nico finally feels like he’s ready to look forwards without falling back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is much sappier than I aimed for but anything else just didn't feel right. Maybe it's not perfectly fitting into the severity of the story but I couldn't bring myself to make this too intense for the boys. My apologies if you don't like it.
> 
> Also, I made Anna let her hair down a bit. I figured that, outside of psychological care, she'd be much more like Nico. 
> 
>  
> 
> Writing this has meant a lot to me and I'm a bit sad and relieved at the same time that it's over now. Thank you so much for your comments and kudos - your support has been appreciated a lot!


End file.
